I really need to analyse myself for a minute here, I'm so messed up it feels like I have a blank paper and an empty post-it stuck to it in my skull for a brain!
Ever since I came back from Rome and I'm having this severe depression, for which I can't find a reason! Yet, for the first time in my life, I'm not the one blabbering about being depressed! instead, everyone around me is asking me if I'm ok, and that I look majorly depressed..
It's not power of suggestion, I invented that concept, I know when it's there.. I haven't left my home for over 3 weeks except to work.. For the same 3 weeks, I never slept at night, I would stay up alone, go to work, and come back to sleep at around 5 pm, and wake up when everybody else in the world goes to sleep.. Am I avoiding someone? I would wake up and find missed calls and messages, which I won't read and better yet never call back..
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? did cultural shock hit hard on the face?
It can't be that, I traveled at least 3 times every year since I was 1 year old.. This never happened to me! And I can't be PMSing for 3 weeks, it's physiologically impossible..
The other day, I was hanging out with some friends in the surgical ward, I was sitting on the counter, where the hospital psychiatrist came for a consult.. As he was writing in his file, I guess he overheard our little conversation which was basically about one of the girls being humiliated by her senior..
3 minutes into the conversation he dropped in and started to us.. 2 minutes later he looks at me and says: You had a terrible childhood.. I want you to come see me in the clinic!
WTF???? Did I say anything about my childhood? I didn't say anything indicative of me being screwed up! I know I had one terrible childhood I can only cry everytime I remember an episode of my miserable life, but is that written on my forehead?
I started crying.. right there in the middle of the surgical ward..
I'm screwed up.. I experienced every emotion you can think of, at a very young age..
I experienced grief when my father died at a very young age..
I experienced the luxury of political power, and then I experienced its withdrawal when he died..
I experienced jealousy when I was an overweight child that always stands out among her peers..
I experienced envy when every guy I fell for, fell for one of my "thin" friends..
I experienced solitude when I had twin sisters that were too close to incorporate a third one..
I experienced rejection when my best friend deserted me for no particular reason..
I experienced pressure, when I was reminded by mom that I'm the eldest and the role model..
I experienced guilt when I was harrassed at 12..
and so many more experiences.. Did I come to a point where I became a hopeless case?
Who is she?
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11 Comments:
hey sweetie
maybe you should visit the guy everyone needs a little consult no and then, trust me sometimes we need help sifting threw the crap we went threw when we were young.
and dear trust in this, I know that you are strong, i know this because you experienced pain at a young age which help you grow very early in life
Read Quraan,its always a good companion.
i just dont know what to tell you,kind of shocked of wht i read.
Nitro.
Sometimes all we need is some time alone from d world.first year of marriage can be pretty heavy emotionally and also our job takes alot out of us.Whatever we say though,d only person who can sort your head out is you.What ur going through is not healthy,but its not clinical depression yet.D main factor of clinical depression is overwhelming fatigue..And a feeling of never wanting to wake up.
Im here for you.If you just want to talk,and talk and talk.. I can listen..Im here to support you.What u experienced through ur may only be affecting u now.. My email is uzzibabe@hotmail.com,so we can exchange details,if u'd like.Take care alright hon..
You broke my heart. Lean on your husband, and talk out the certain chapters in your life that seem to annoy you. If that doesn't help, just take a good look at yourself in the mirror, you came through all of your earlier struggles. Look at how you came a long, you are one to be envied and you don't need to envy anyone anymore. Most people would give into the pressures that you faced as a child, but it seems as you accepted it all, and made it as a beautiful person inside and out.
*hug*
I thought u looked different; i always blamed it on the ugly hospital light and that it was towards the end of the day..
everyone has their version of a "difficult" childhood. What's worse than having one is being in denial..
And if u ever want to talk, i'm right here :)
I agree with anonymous, your partenr in life is the best person you can lean on too and find the releif you need... Also like Nitro said, reading the Quraan can really sooth the soul...
Thanks everyone for the support, it meant a great deal to me..
Alchemist, I'm hunting for a psychiatrist right now, I'm sure it will be make a big difference *show me the PROZAC lol*
Nitro, I don't know what shocked you exactly, could be that I'm hiding this ll behind a yellow smiley face lol
Lamyoooosh sweetheart thanks alot :) I love you :x but u know what, I am having extreme fatigue.. so I guess i hit the clinical level..
Anon.. Who are u? what you said is SO sweet it touched me so much.. :) thank u! but plz tell me who u r..
Didi, it IS the ugly hospital light.. thx sweetie, i really appreciate it..
Godfather.. I will keep that in mind.. and TRUST me, I'm not an attention seeker :P
I know a good psychiatrist if u want :)
OK, I HATE those people that tell you to exercise to get your mind in better shape.
I recently brought myself back to center (ish ;) when I had slipped much further down the slope than I understood.
With vigorous exercise three times a week
:-/
I still hate those people.
yeah u r :-p
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